You could be forgiven for thinking that popping your baby in the cot drowsy but awake will result in them drifting off into a peaceful 2-hour slumber. Messages like these are everywhere.
My own experience of early motherhood and baby sleep was the complete opposite of this. I worried constantly that I was doing something wrong with my daughter, when she inevitably did not want to sleep anywhere other than on me, whilst being quite vigorously rocked, and needing a lot of sleep. I had always thought I was going to be a parent who enjoyed 'attachment style' parenting, but the enormity of having a newborn baby in my arms meant I really struggled with finding that 'intuition' to respond. I overthought everything and craved control.
I remember thinking 'this can't be right' when she needed this support around the clock. But I had been told not to feed to sleep, not to co-sleep and not to lean in too much to her wants and needs otherwise I'd create a 'needy' baby. The reality was, I had a needy baby! All babies are needy. They need love, comfort, food, warmth, and sometimes, sleep is really hard for them. I wish I had known then that feeding to sleep (as an example) would probably make life a lot less stressful, and that 'control' didn't manifest in setting boundaries for my newborn, but actually emerged when I started giving her what she needed, and not worrying about 'rules'.
As time went on, I started leaning in more and it was such a relief. She slept better, we slept better, I was less stressed and felt more rested. But I still had this sense of guilt and shame around doing it. I felt like I was taking the 'easy' way out, and that life was only going to get harder because of it. I knew I had to go back to a very demanding job as a teacher when my daughter was 10 months old, and the thought seemed incompatible with the contact sleeping baby I had on my chest. Looking back now, I wish I had sought support sooner. I was feeling guilty, but I think I was actually just struggling with the amount that was being required of me. I was anxious and I needed some more understanding about how to change things in a way that I felt comfortable with.
In the end it was education; about what is biologically normal when it comes to sleep, how well babies adapt, how quality connection time in the evening is intensely powerful, and how you can still responsively feed and have a full-time job that made me feel better about everything. I found several holistic sleep coaches online and learnt about creating a better balance for me, and that it was possible to be responsive, work a full-time job, breastfeed and sometimes cosleep with your child! It was an empowering moment in my parenting journey.
My next steps
When I started to learn about the theory and science behind sleep and all the factors that can affect sleep; an interesting revelation emerged. Some of the things I had been told to do with my newborn, and that were still being sold to me through the baby sleep industry were actually not based in research. Whereas much of the responsive, holistic approach made perfect sense in the literature when it came to responsive feeding, but also taking into account a baby's emotional needs, developmental changes, illness, teething etc.
How I can help you
The truth is, all babies are different; have different temperaments, different sleep needs, different environments, different birth experiences, you name it. They will all have different sleep patterns and need different 'tweaks' when making changes. Parents are the same; we all have different needs, thresholds and ways of coping in difficult times. My hope as a holistic sleep coach is to empower parents to let go of the worry of strict schedules and 'rules', and instead focus on really tuning in to your baby by identifying their specific needs, and finding what works for your family when it comes to sleep.
You can find my free resource to download on sleep requirements for different ages here.
For 1:1 support from me, follow this link.Â
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