If you find yourself in a routine that is not working anymore for your little one (maybe they are battling sleep, resisting certain stages of the routine or simply not sleeping when it's time for bed), it might be time for an overhaul of your bedtime routine.
Read below for some effective and achievable tips on where to start.
A couple of months after my daughter's second birthday, I noticed that our bedtime was not as smooth as it once was. Initially, I put this down to some separation anxiety she'd been experiencing and leaned into giving her more support to sleep. But after another month, things hadn't really changed. She was resisting bedtime, not wanting her bath (which she usually loved!) and seemed to have developed a love of climbing on all the furniture and jumping off whilst we were getting her PJS on.
I soon realised that things weren't working anymore and needed to change; she was older now - and needed more exercise and stimulation, her language had developed significantly and where we could once rely on the familiarity of our bedtime routine, she was starting to question and challenge certain elements of it.
I know a lot about sleep. I also know a lot about attachment, regulation and the importance of the very well-researched bedtime routine! But there is no perfect 'one size fits all' bedtime routine that is going to work for every child. So here I've written some tips based on what has worked well when working with the many families I have worked with, and also what worked well for my own situation.
Tip #1 - Acknowledge that it's no longer working.
This sounds obvious, and maybe you're already there! But it can take a while to understand (and accept) that something is no longer working and needs changing. After a long and tiring day at work or parenting, the last thing you feel like doing is spending time making changes to what is usually a reliable and predictable part of your day. It is also the part of the day that happens to be when you're most exhausted and you just need. them. to. go. to. sleep.
So, I would suggest giving yourself some time in advance - maybe a free morning you have, with your partner (if you have one) and discuss/reflect on what is not working and why. Decide whether it is going to be worth changing things now, or waiting a week or two to see if the disruption is developmental. Once you're there, discuss what you would like to change and what stays the same and get on the same page so that you can tackle this change together.
Tip #2 - Get your toddler involved!
Toddlers love to be in control! Getting them involved with help them feel part of the process and probably be more enjoyable when you have to actually implement the routine.
Start by discussing the non-negotiable parts of the routine (bath/teeth/pjs etc) and what order they should go in (it really doesn’t matter as long as it works!) then add in some new things to get them involved.
Have some other ideas ready - maybe they could help you set the room up ready by turning off the lights, help you decide what bath toys to play with that day, or choose where their pile of books goes.
Tip #3 - Make it visual
This one is a bit more effort but honestly it’s a great tool to use and can be applicable for many years to come. You can also adapt it as they get older.
Once you’ve designed a new routine together, take pictures of your toddler at each stage of it; taking off PJS, playing in the bath, getting dressed, reading the bedtime story etc. Print the pictures off and stick them in order onto a piece of paper or card. Sometimes, it works well to have a concertina effect so you can fold it up. Write your little one’s name at the top and let them decorate it. Refer to it every night until the new routine is more embedded.
Tip #4 - Have some time to let the wiggles out
Toddlers often have a LOT of energy. They need huge amounts of physical exercise and stimulation every day.
We all naturally have an hour or two before we go to bed where we get a surge of energy. Combine that will toddlers need to physical movement, play and stimulation and you may notice they seem the opposite of tired just at the bedtime routine approaches. Try incorporating some ‘wiggle time’ just before your start your bedtime routine (or it could be part of it! As long as you have enough wind down time afterwards as some little ones get very excitable). Try tickle fights, a race around the block or some silly, fun rough play.
Tip #5 - Wind down time
What goes up must come down. Depending on your little one’s unique temperament, you will probably find they need a good amount of wind-down time to get back to the ‘rest and digest’ state they need to be in for sleep.
I find this works best if there are a few steps to it and usually, it helps to get your toddler involved. Let them turn the lights off, tidy away toys, turn on the night light etc. Soften your voice. Try an audiobook or guided meditation. For some little ones, it works well to tell them their toys/dolls are getting ready for bed so we need to stay quiet and calm.
Tip #6 - Connection and love
Little ones (particularly if they have been away from you for most of the day) will need a turbo boost of love and connection in the evening before they go to sleep, to help them feel calm and safe.
Think of your child’s preferred way of showing you love - maybe it’s giving you little gifts, maybe it’s hugs and kisses, maybe it’s quality time. Use that to shower them with love and connection at some point during your bedtime routine. This can be at any point, and it’s got to work for your family, but 15-20 minutes of high-quality connection time can make a huge difference to how regulated they feel, and often how well they sleep!
Tip #7 - Time for transitions
You may find as your child gets older and more aware that transitioning from one stage of the routine into another is difficult. If they're not wanting to sleep (maybe they've experienced some recent nightmares or they're just more clocked on to the fact that this means separation from mum or dad), they will show you their incredible skills in procrastination. This can look like suddenly hating putting on their PJs or stalling when you're asking them to choose a book to read. Sometimes it can result in tears and upset if they feel rushed or nervous about what's to come.
Leave plenty of time for each step of the routine, and try to lean into making each stage fun. For example, when it's time to put on PJs, start trying to put the PJs on yourself, and get your toddler to show you how to do it properly. Giving choices can also be really helpful, but you don't want to give too many choices or freedom as this can make toddlers feel like they have too much freedom and like no one is in control.
Tip #8 - Model what you want to happen
If you're finding your toddler is up and down out of bed, not willing to lie down, or even stay still, it can really help to model what to do. This is a common situation if you've just moved your little one to a toddler bed from a cot; they have a bit more freedom and they are excited to use it, and it doesn't really matter how tired they are!
After you've done all the steps of your usual routine and you've got to the 'going to sleep' bit, show your child what you want them to do. Lie down on the floor, or in bed with them if you can, and close your eyes. If they get worried, tell them that you're just resting or hum a tune so they know you're not also asleep. If they get up and start fidgeting with things or playing, continue to lie down and don't react. If they physically get out of bed, I would set a boundary that we are staying in bed and bring them back, but say they don't have to lie down until they're ready. Eventually, they will likely realise that sleeping is what they're supposed to do and join you.
Tip #9 - Take the pressure off the sleeping
Some little ones who might be nervous of sleeping, or simply don't want the fun to end, regardless of how tired they are, can be very good at avoiding the last step of the routine, which is to actually lie down and put the covers on. They will do absolutely anything they can not to get to this stage.
If you're encountering this, my last tip would be to try not to have the end goal as 'sleep'. Take the pressure off the actual sleeping and tell them another reason we're getting into bed. For example, next we're going to tuck your rabbit under the covers so she's comfortable and mummy is going to rub your feet. Slowly edge towards them lying down but say to them, 'you don't have to go to sleep, but we do need to lie down to rest our bodies'. Those sticky, glow-in-the-dark stars can be helpful to look at on the ceiling if you need an excuse to lie down!
After a few minutes, the sleep pressure will kick in and as long as they're calm, they should drift off.
If none of this is resulting in sleep...
Maybe they’re not tired enough?
Sleep needs decrease significantly throughout the first two years. We are often fed the line that little ones need to sleep at 7pm, but often this is too early for most toddlers. Try moving bedtime later by 30 minutes. Observe your toddler and see how quickly they fall asleep. If it’s still not working, try another 20-30 minutes and observe. Lots of toddlers go to bed at 8:30pm or later!
Maybe there is something else going on?
If you've tried everything and your toddler is still resisting sleep, it's worth considering what else might be going on for them. Has there been a big change recently? Are they experiencing some separation anxiety? Are they uncomfortable or is something bothering them? It's always best to take them to the GP or relevant professional if you have any concerns.
You can find my free resource to download on sleep requirements for different ages here.
For 1:1 support from me, follow this link.Â
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