Velcro baby, barnicle baby, a cuddle monster; whatever you want to call them, these little ones like to be near you, and often physically ON you most of the time (including sleep)
We know it is biology normal for little ones to want to be close to their caregivers (we are carry mammals after all), and lots of parents accept and acknowledge that their babies will want to be close to them for the first few months, even the first six months. But 10 months down the line, if we find ourselves still contact napping, co-sleeping and carrying our little one everywhere around the clock, it is perfectly understandable why some parents start to feel 'touched out', exhausted and in need of change.
I'm very passionate about parents prioritising their own wellbeing and if possible, being proactive in an unsustainable situation before it becomes completely unmanageable. If you are starting to struggle physically or mentally (for whatever reason), I would urge you to get help. You never need to suffer as a parent. Consider this next point too: parents need to find their own version of what is manageable without the influence of the mainstream sleep narrative or unhelpful comments from the people around them. If you are struggling at the moment with your velcro baby, ask yourself:
Have I received unhelpful comments about my child being too clingy or dependent on me?
Has that informed any of the worry/shame/guilt I am feeling?
Am I worried about how they will cope when I go back to work?
Am I reading unhelpful things online about the importance of independence in babies?
Do I need to change things permanently, or would a temporary break make things easier?
For me as a sleep coach, one of my most important jobs is to identify what sorts of changes you want to make as a family and where the want for change comes from. So I will always encourage you to reflect on why you want to make the changes you do, and identify your next goals based on how you feel NOW, rather than worrying too much about the future. So with that in mind, let's acknowledge that there is nothing 'abnormal' about your older baby wanting to be close to you 24/7, and let's also remember that so much change happens within the first 18 months of life (and beyond) that you will probably see big progressions in the next few months, some of which may be sleep-related (hooray!).
Some little ones are more sensitive, have a temperament that means they need more nurturing and closeness at the start, or perhaps they have just got used to being near to you, and changing that is hard! Regardless of the reason, it is absolutely nothing YOU have done to 'cause' this need to be close (apart from to respond and nurture your baby) and it is not a negative thing. In fact, I would say it is a beautiful thing and encourage you to be proud of yourself as a parent for responding to your child in such a loving and nurturing way.
Saying that, if you have decided that it is feeling too much and you want to make some changes, firstly - well done you for recognising this and being proactive. Secondly, here are some evidence-based and supportive tips for you to try:
Consider development and change
Whatever 'change' looks like for your family, if you want to increase separation with your baby in whatever way, I would recommend you consider whether there are any significant developmental 'leaps' going on before you start. For example, lots of babies experience some separation anxiety between 7-9 months, as object permanence is developed and they start to realise that you are a separate entity to them!
Similarly, if a big change is coming up (like starting childcare or moving house), now might not be the best time to increase separation. If they are already experiencing separation or lots of change, they will likely need your co-regulation skills and support more when they are with you!
I like to think of everyone having a tolerance 'cup' for change. A little bit of change can be helpful, as it naturally teaches us to become more resilient and resourceful and cope with things independently. Still, young children have a tiny cup (tolerance) for change because their self-regulation skills are so underdeveloped. So they may be able to tolerate a few seconds or minutes of something new before their cup is overfilling and they start to get dysregulated. It is the same principle for making any changes, but consider if now is the right time. Is their cup already filling up regularly at the moment? Would it be best to wait until they are more used to the new change? Could you wait a few more weeks until they have got through this rapid development phase?
Refresh your self-care strategies
It's easy to forget that our needs even exist as parents but having a baby need you 24/7 can be extremely draining, particularly if you have a partner who doesn't seem to be able to help. Sometimes, developing strategies to look after ourselves better and alleviate stress can give us some renewed energy and help us feel like everything is more manageable. Here are some suggestions to 'super charge' your own self-care and improve your wellbeing.
Try saying some affirmations to yourself regularly when you're feeling overwhelmed/exhausted. 'They won't need me like this forever' can be a good one, as it gently reminds us that this really isn't forever, and they certainly won't need us this much for too much longer. 'This is a season of behaviour' can help us to remember that this isn't inherently who are child is, it is just what they need right now. 'This is a sign that my baby is securely attached' is another good one, based in fact. 'I can do hard things, tomorrow will be easier' is another one for particularly bad days.
Dancing to your favourite song with your baby attached to you/in the sling can help alleviate stress.
Going for a walk and tuning into a podcast or meditation.
Chat to a friend or family member with baby on your lap.
Treat yourself. In whatever ways you can. Parenting is very, very hard and this stage won't be forever.
Lean in (temporarily)
This is probably not what you want to hear but I often advise parents to increase connection before increasing separation. Commonly, parents get into a pattern of their baby needing them a LOT which then leads to feelings of overwhelm which can then turn into frustration, anger and resentment towards a baby's behaviour. This is completely understandable, and with little support or unhelpful comments like 'you just need to leave them to cry' from friends or family, it's not wonder this pattern can perpetuate and make things worse.
Unfortunately, baby's are so attuned to our needs and emotions that they often sense this and decide they need us more. So my suggestion is that you spend a few days 'leaning in' to everything they require of you (and reward yourself with cake). This could mean changing your expectations for a few days - you are going to be contact napping for all sleep so expect it, you're probably going to have to carry a lot, so stretch out your back to prepare yourself etc etc.
Now comes the hard part - you're going to have to dig deep to your minute reserves of energy and show your little one that you love all of the closeness and spending time with them. This will probably feel like an effort at first, but it usually gets easier as you start to enjoy the snuggles again. Try to forget about your goals for the future, or worrying about where your little one 'should' be at this point, and focus on the present. If you practise this 'leaning in' for a day or two, you will probably notice your little one relax and calm, and hopefully, you feel the same. And remember, this is only temporary.
Baby steps
If we're ever increasing separation, it's usually best to take this slowly and gradually, to help build up resilience and tolerance to it. My biggest piece of advice with trying any of these exercises is to go at your child's pace. However slow that may be, if you rush and go too quickly, the likelihood is it will backfire and your little one will need more co-regulation and support from you than before.
Try playing 'peepo' with them a few times a day, increasing the amount of time you are behind a cushion. You want to increase their confidence and trust in you that you will disappear but always come back.
Move on to more play time in their sleep space (if this is a cot/floorbed). Put photos of you and their loved ones around the sleep space so they have positive associations with it.
Practise 'pop outs' where you put them on the floor with some toys (stay with them for a few minutes), then 'pop out' of the door or across the room away from them for a few seconds. You're trying to increase (slowly) the proximity to build up their confidence and trust.
Use lots of sleep associations to support their transition 'off' you. Pink noise/a dark room/shhing/singing/patting/movement etc
Try a buggy or car nap to help with them experiencing a sleep that isn't on you.
If you want to try getting them to sleep in a cot, focus on your own breathing when making a transition. Calm often leads to sleep.
Exactly as the title says - take it slow. Start by moving from a full contact nap to a partial nap with you in the room etc
Keep them in the loop
Communicate with your little one when you're going to leave them; this is really important regardless of their age and verbal abilities! Don't try to sneak away without them seeing, this will only make them more anxious and unsettled that their caregiver has disappeared! Tell them where you're going and when you'll be back. They may cry and that's okay, as long as you have said a confident goodbye and reassured them.
This can apply to when you practise pop-outs or if you ever have to leave them with another caregiver. If we're talking about sleep, you can still explain to them what changes are going to happen and you could even include a reason why to help them understand. Here's an example: 'Mummy has a sore back right now, so she can't carry you. Instead, you're going to go to sleep in your cot and Mummy will hold your hand and sing to you'.
If things are feeling really overwhelming and you don't have to energy/patience to take this slow approach, try having some time away (an hour or two) whilst a trusted caregiver looks after your little one. It's always okay to have some time/space away if you need it.
You can find my free resource to download on sleep requirements for different ages here.
For 1:1 support from me, follow this link.Â
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